Bad Religion

I'm pretty sure that most of you know by now that I sing at weddings (I mean, it's in my bio for crying out loud). What I talk about less is that I make my living singing at Catholic weddings. About half of them are nuptial blessings, which means they don't have a full Mass with Communion. But the other half are full blown, bells and smells, gold hat and Easter candle, kneel till it hurts, weddings. And this isn't a problem at all, except that I feel like a hypocrite for earning my living in churches where I don't belong, because the truth is I don't believe in God anymore. I don't think I have in a long time.

This wouldn't be a problem except that my family is deeply religious. I've alluded to this in this space before, but I come from the product of two very Catholic parents who take this stuff super seriously, and confirmation that I've left my faith and THE CHURCH (I have to write that in caps lock) behind me would break them. I live under their roof, they know I don't go to Mass weekly (which they pretend not to notice) but if they knew I didn't believe in God at all, they would simultaneously shun me and pray harder than they've ever prayed for anything. 

I don't know how to have a conversation with them about this one. Ironically enough the conversation probably won't happen unless and until I get married myself and have to explain why I'm only having a civil ceremony. My mother chastises me for blaspheming every now and again, and I don't know how to tell her that you can't have a concept of blasphemy when you don't have a concept of God. She talks about priests throwing their weight around and I can't tell her that in my experience that's the rule, not the exception. She yells at the news when stories of sexual abuse hit the fan as often as they do, and I can't tell her that it's not just bad guys doing it, it's the systemic cover ups the world over that tell me that the people at the top just don't care and looked the other way while it was happening. But I don't say anything, because I don't want to shove it in their faces.

I don't know when I stopped believing in God. I tried for many years to find a form of Catholicism that worked for me. But I do know the moment I walked away from THE CHURCH. It was the day when two news stories were side by side in the newspapers. One story detailed a sexual abuse cover up at the highest levels in Sydney, Australia. The other was about a 12 year old girl in Venezuela who was excommunicated after having a abortion for a conception that only occurred due to a rape. The rapist got off scot-free. 

There are always going to be things I love about the religion in which I was raised. I believe that you should perform good works, and that you can't be saved by faith alone. I believe in service and in charity that you don't shout from the rooftops. I love the music and the outlook on life that comes from living humbly and modestly. 

But it's not for me. I just wish I could be honest with my parents about that. 

Lisztomania (Take 5)

Now that the 2014 mix CDs have arrived safely (both locally and internationally), I can share the track listing with the rest of you!

For those new readers: every Christmas I make a mix CD that is usually a mix of new releases and old favourites. There are a few rules: I can't use anyone/any band I have used before, but side and solo projects are OK (for example: Glen Hansard has featured on the mix CD before but this year he appeared as part of The Frames). I usually try and include at least four or five Australian acts, although this year I failed woefully. And I try and avoid music that EVERYONE knows (let's say The Beatles or The Stones), and if I do include better known artists I try and avoid the big singles. But that's about it. 

Here is the 2014 mix CD, in all its glory:

REBELLION

St Vincent - Rattlesnake
Cold War Kids - Miracle Mile
New Order - Ceremony
Chrissie Hynde - Dark Sunglasses
Sky Ferreira - Nobody Asked Me (If I Was Okay)
Jungle - Time
The Frames - When Your Mind's Made Up
Total Control - Flesh War
Banks - Beggin For Thread
Ásgeir - Torrent
The Jezabels - Look of Love
Chlöe Howl - Paper Heart
Yazoo - Only You

Mix CDs from previous years can be found here, here, here and here.

No Make-up (Her Vice)

So I like a bit of makeup, and even though this isn't a beauty blog I thought I'd share my thoughts on a few great products I used this last year that I love. 

I'll start with what is probably my favourite product of the year, the beautiful Rouge in Love lipstick from Lancôme, in the shade Corail in Love. 

This really is the perfect lipstick, the formula is great and it glides on with something between a sheer and satin finish. (You can build it up if you want.) It also smells great, as well as being a product Emma Watson was the public face for when they were released about two years ago. What's not to love? At $45 AU they're not cheap, but I favour quality over quantity when it comes to makeup...when it comes to everything, really. 

A few months ago the lovely Kat from Kitsch Snitch turned me on to the Bourjois Rouge Edition Velvet lipsticks, and, like her, my favourite colour is Hot Pepper.

I find matte lipsticks can often be very chunky and difficult to touch up during the day, but this matte has none of those issues. If you don't like wearing lipstick then this could be the product for you, as it really feels like you're wearing nothing. These usually retail for about $27 AU, but you can get them on sale at Priceline and ASOS for a lot less than that. (I bought mine for about $13.50.)

My favourite complexion product of the year was a product I received in a Wantable subscription box: the Tarina Tarantino Hyperlight, which is basically a concealer with a touch of illuminator in it. 

This little beauty comes in a clickable pen and a little goes a long way. It feels really good on my skin and the slight shimmer it gives is very flattering. It's by far the best concealer I have ever used, for some reason I've always had trouble with them. It retails for $22 US. 

I'm still hunting the perfect mascara but this one by Benefit comes close. 

This was also a product I discovered thanks to a subscription box, this time the Australian box distributed by Marie Claire, 'The Parcel'. It gives a nice balance of volumising, curling and lengthening, so it's a great all round product. It retails $38 AU, but I'm still using the sample size so I haven't had to fork out for it yet. 

Finally, a product I bought in the last few days. This isn't a new product or anything, but I'm loving it and it's new for me! It's the NARS The Multiple in Copacabana. 

I splashed out getting this, using some giftcards I was given for Christmas - it's expensive at $52 AU. But as it works as both an eyeshadow and a highlighter I feel like I'll get my money's worth from this one. I'm a bit addicted to the rosy sheen this product gives and I love that NARS products are good to slap on with your hands. I like makeup but I'm pretty low maintenance with my routine, and I hate brushes (they irritate my skin) so fingers it is. 

So there are my favourite beauty products for the last year. Have you been using something you really love? Spill!

Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas

('Meet me in St Louis' aired on Christmas Eve when I was about 8 and I fell in love. I think I watched it every second day all through the following month's summer holiday.)

I love this time of year. I know that's probably a bit naff, but I really do. In my experience (and that includes my years of retail and hospitality work) people are generally pretty good and friendly, trying to get into the spirit of the season. I think people want to do the right thing this time of year: buy the perfect gifts, make the perfect meals, avoid all the usual fights and arguments. Of course it's impossible. 

I actually find a measure of comfort in the imperfection of my Christmas rituals and in my wonderfully obnoxious, dysfunctional family. I know that at some point we'll fight over the lack of space in our tiny house filled to bursting with too many people, and that my older brother will eventually push my buttons so that I lose my temper, but we all love each other and that usually comes home strongly at several points throughout the day. 

I spend Christmas Eve night singing my heart out in a beautiful chapel in the inner west of Sydney. We sing beautiful music, including all my favourites: 'Lo', How A Rose 'Ere Blooming', 'The Angel Gabriel', 'The Cherry Tree Carol' and 'Jerusalem'. Christmas morning we have a new plan, as my mother and I and probably a few others from my family will visit my maternal grandmother in her nursing home. Then we'll have lunch together, all 7 of us, open presents and then let my sister run her ritual: Christmas trivia, which is what it sounds like, with questions about Christmas related subjects. Apparently this year we're introducing a new game too, called Festive Fetch, which will involve this guy:

Of course my biggest Christmas ritual is the mix CD, copies of which are already winging their way to several of you readers. It's always a satisfying moment when they're in a pile in front of me, ready to go. 

Happy Christmas, guys. Love you all heaps. 

Tomorrow

This week I had a change made to my many medications. It's too early to tell if it's helping, and it means blood tests and all sorts of unpleasant things, but my attitude to medication has always been 'whatever might help' and I trust my specialist. It was made after I had to beg my mother to drive me to my specialist's office for an appointment I was offered very last minute (when I should have been at uni) because I was having trouble leaving the house. 

This is not uncommon. I have spent the better (and worse) part of the last few weeks holed up in my bedroom, ordering home delivery food or just having sandwiches, alternately binge watching TV or curled in a foetal position. My anxiety is such that I am having trouble getting to work, the few hours I do work, getting to uni, for the few hours I need to front for, and seeing people generally. I spent my 31st birthday distressed and alone, although this was mostly because my sister bailed on me in the evening for a movie. My head is barely above water right now.

I'm being this brutally honest because it's Mental Health Week and hey, why the hell not. I write this not to attract pity, but rather to try and explain what it's like to live with a mental illness that just won't piss off and leave me alone. It's an illness that has me in its grasp so firmly that it feels like my life will always be this way, that my life will be an endless cycle of doctors' appointments, takeout food, the odd trip to uni or town for a class or a meeting with a friend, and curled up in bed just wishing to be held and loved for just a little while by the right person. It's getting worse, not better.

My new medication arrived in a heavy bottle (home delivered, of course), filled with 250 of the tablets that are meant to help alleviate this dread and anxiety which rules my behaviour so entirely. For some reason this surprised me - I had always expected this medication to be in wafer thin blister packs, in quantities of 25 or so at a time. Instead it's this substantial bottle you could whack a mole with, and one which keeps drawing my eye to my bedside table. 

For me, my illness dictates that my entire existence is predicated on the idea of tomorrow. I HAVE to believe that tomorrow will be a little easier, a little more manageable. That I can get a jump on the day and leave the house and face the world. Without this belief, the simple truth is that I just wouldn't be alive. I have to believe that if I try hard enough, that if things get just a little better, then there's a suitable job and life waiting for me, one that doesn't involve quite so much anxiety and guilt. Tomorrow it will be better. 

Because it has to be.  

Twenty One

Drea from The Maiden Metallurgist played this twenty questions game a friend tagged her in, and I thought it might be fun to play along.....except that I added a question of my own at the end. I haven't blogged in a while and really wanted something easy to start off with, so here goes.

Question 1: How tall are you?

5'8''

Question 2: Do you have a hidden talent? If so, what?

Does pissing people off count? No, seriously - probably my ability to pick good but cheap things off a menu, both food and drink. 

Question 3: What’s your biggest blog-related pet peeve?

Master bloggers who run businesses and have copy editors but still manage to have far too many mistakes in their posts. And don't care. 

Question 4: What’s your biggest non-blog related pet peeve?

Willful ignorance. Cynicism. 

Question 5: What’s your favorite song?

I think this one comes down to which song do I really wish I had written, so I'm going to run with this one by Patti Smith. 

Kid by The Pretenders or Television's Marquee Moon would probably run a close joint second. 

Question 6: What’s your favorite Etsy shop that isn’t yours?

Shadow Jewels sells beautiful rhinestone earrings, although she doesn't have many in stock right now, and she provides wonderful service and prompt delivery. The same can be said of the wonderful Sea Babe Jewellery, from whom I have also purchased multiple times.

Question 7: What’s your favorite way to spend your free time when you’re alone?

Freebasing on a TV show or curling up in bed with an amazing book while it rains outside. Respective favourites are Mad Men and Breaking Bad, and Richard Flanagan's beautiful new-ish release 'The Narrow Road to the Deep North'. 

Question 8: What’s your favorite junk food?

Haigh's Chocolates, and not just because of their often charming salespeople. 

Question 9: Do you have a pet or pets? If so, what kind and what are their names?

My family has a dog called Aslan (I swear I am not responsible for the terrible name). Here's a picture:

He's much bigger than that now, but whatever. 

Question 10: What are your number one favorite nonfiction and fiction books?

I'm going to pick two fiction: 'The Sound and the Fury' by William Faulkner and 'The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay' by Michael Chabon. Third place goes to Marilynne Robinson's 'Housekeeping'.

Question 11: What’s your favorite beauty product?

My Lancôme Rouge in Love lipstick, Corail in Love. I'm also super fond of the Tarina Tarantino Hyperlight I received in my Wantable box last month (see last post), it works both as a concealer and an illuminator. Is that possible? I don't know, but it's great. 

Question 12: When were you last embarrassed? What happened?

I had a conversation with my mentor and wasn't able to translate the Italian he put in front of me. I'm also worried I had lipstick on my teeth. 

Question 13: If you could only drink one beverage (besides water) for the rest of your life, what would it be?

Coke Zero. Brain tumours be damned.

Question 14: What’s your favorite movie?

Three way tie between Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, The Perks of Being a Wallflower and Little Miss Sunshine. 

Question 15: What were you in high school: prom queen, nerd, cheerleader, jock, valedictorian, band geek, loner, artist, prep?

Loner/nerd. But who cares? It was a long time ago now, and when it came down to it, I realised I really did have friends when it counted. 

Question 16: If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you live?

This is a hard one, given I haven't travelled. But for future job hunting: Melbourne, New Zealand, Scotland and parts of Italy. 

Question 17: PC or Mac?

PC, but I do love an iPad.

Question 18: Last romantic gesture from a crush, date, boy/girlfriend, spouse?

Christ, too long ago to remember!

Question 19: Favorite celebrity?

Jon Hamm. Always Jon Hamm. Preferably with his blue yeti pal.

Question 20: What blogger do you secretly want be best friends with?

I decline to answer on the grounds that it may incriminate me.

Wait, I'm Australian. We don't say that. I'll just tell you to bugger off. 

(Anyone on the blogroll at right. Especially Lyn and Kirsty.)

And my question: Question 21: What do you have hung on your wall that you adore?

I've played this game before, see this post.

I'm not going to tag anyone, but if you feel like playing link below and tell me. Or just tell me how much you love Jon Hamm and the blue yeti. 

Magic Box

So I'm doing something completely different today. I'm a bit of a beauty product junkie, I just don't have the cash to usually indulge. I've been on financial lockdown for several months, so when I got a new part time job a few weeks back (the interview for which is a whole other story in itself) I decided to go a little nuts and try out some beauty subscription boxes. Part of it was motivated by the fact that I was running out of most of my basic makeup and needed to replace it, and partly because I LOVE getting stuff in the mail. I mean, who doesn't?, but given how often I post stuff to other people I feel like I'm getting mine when something arrives in the post. 

Some of the stuff I got is really exciting so I thought I'd review two of the four boxes here, 2 of which were Australian boxes. I only bought a Lust Have It box because it was $7.95 and the contents aren't even worth talking about, while I get the feeling Bellabox was having an off month, so I'm keeping my subscription with them for a little bit longer and giving them another shot. 

On the other hand, Violet Box came through with the goods in a big way. With two full sized products and some great samples, the $12.95 I paid for the box (as an introductory offer) was more than recouped.  Included in the box was the Laqa & Co. Lip Lube (RRP: $20) in Bees Knees (lucky me, I got a shade I can actually wear!):

and the So Susan Flutter Mascara in Black (RRP: $32):

The lip lube, despite its terrible name, is great and glides on like a buttery gloss and is quite sheer, so you need well buffed lips for this product to work properly. The So Susan mascara has a small wand, which works great on my little lashes. Given that I needed a new mascara, this Violet Box was worth purchasing just for that alone, although I am also enjoying a tiny vial of Bioderma's Pore Refiner and some Sukin Hair Treatment samples, among others. 

And then, my friends, it gets even better. I tried out Wantable, a Milwaukee based company in the States, that offers highly personalised beauty boxes (although they also do accessories and intimates). I bought the one off box for $40 plus $10 shipping, but as the total value of my box was more than $100 US, I was very happy with the value of the products received, especially as several of them replaced items recently emptied in my beauty bag. 

Getting this box in the mail was truly very exciting:

and on the inside: 

So the four products I received in the Wantable box were Geri G's Innocent Foundation in Light, Elisabeth Mott's It's So Big! Mascara, Tarina Tarantino's Eye Dream Hyperlight and Vincent Longo's Velvet Riche Lipstick in Carnelian Red. 

The great thing about Wantable is that you can customise the box to the nth degree. You fill out a very detailed questionnaire on what you love, like and dislike and you are guaranteed to never receive anything you dislike, which for me means never getting eyeliner, bronzer, nail polish or tools. But it also means never receiving any lip glosses, or loose eye powders, or brow pomade, because you can customise the products even further within the broad categories of lip colours, eye shadows or brows. It's pretty freaking great, and I loved every one of the four full sized products I received. I was pretty strict with what I said I liked, and I think that's how I ended up with a box I loved. 

I needed a new foundation, so the Geri G. (RRP: $38) blends like a dream and was very welcome, as was the second mascara It's So Big! (RRP: $19.99) because I really needed to replace those. The Tarina Tarantino Eye Dream Hyperlight (RRP: $22) was very exciting; it's essentially an illuminating concealer and a very welcome addition to my makeup bag. It seems I finally might have found a concealer that works for me! Finally there was the Vincent Longo Velvet Riche lipstick (RRP: $23) in Carnelian Red, which looks really good over a regular lip balm.

It's worth pointing out that these items have a higher dollar value here, beyond that stated on the invoice, given the significant mark up on cosmetics here in Australia, particularly those from the US and the UK. So I really feel like I got more than twice my money's worth on these products. The Wantable box is too expensive to buy every month, but maybe every three or four months I'll shell out the dollars for one. For now I'm subscribed to Violet Box, and if the box is this good value every month and filled with items I need and use anyway, then I will stay subscribed.

If you're Australian, I highly recommend the Violet Box. And if Wantable ships to your country you should definitely give it a try, it's like beauty Christmas time!

And if all else fails, Violet Box's packaging is the perfect size for my meds collection: