Sunday, April 8, 2012

Dangling Conversation

This is one of those blog posts where I apologise but don’t apologise for not posting. Like every one who writes one of these posts, I have really good reasons.

I haven’t actually spelled this out, but one of the things I promised myself when I started my blog was that I wouldn’t post when I am in the throes of my illness. I’ve explained before that I really only experience the lows with my illness, that I don’t get the manic highs people with other types of bipolar experience. When things get bad I tend to hide myself away. And things haven’t been good. My illness can be a bitch, in addition to certain really bad things in my past that haunt me from time to time.

In addition, the class I was initially worried about turned out to be a problem again. I just never felt like I got my teeth into it and was very unclear about what was required of me. There has fortunately been a really good solution, in that I have joined my mentor’s seminar at his offering. Yes, he’s bending the rules a little bit by having me in it (it’s a long story) but once again he came through for me. It does mean, however, that I have to play catch up in a way that is not ideal when it comes to planning the seminar paper due in about 9 weeks. There are two seminar papers due at the end of June, both about 5000-5500 words each. I’m less worried about writing them and more worried about picking the right thing to write about and it’s getting down to the wire now.

I’ve also actually started to write the thesis. This has been terrifying, tortuous and…some other word beginning with ‘t’. This is one of those times when I am trying to trust what the mentor tells me: that if I listen to the sources and follow what they are telling me, then I will end up where I am meant to. There are times when I panic about this approach and that I am missing something here. But I know this is one of the shallow parts of the pool I have to wade through; the depths are waiting for me, just a little further on. And yes, I have that analogy the right way around – at least where I’m concerned.

It’s just been a rough time and as a rather private person who writes a blog (who knew we were out there?) that is a conflict of interest if there ever was one.

In any case, a friendly hello to all five of you reading. We’ve all kind of been quiet lately and I look forward to hearing all the news as everyone blogs a little more regularly again.